13 Reasons Why: Would I Recommend It?

Unless you have lived under a rock, you must know about the Netflix series that dropped at the end of March. Everyone and their mother is interested in watching this show. Many people are unsure if they want to since it is quite a dark series. For others, the intensity and the dark concepts bring viewers in. I can honestly admit that I fall into the latter category.

Ever since I was in middle school I had always been pulled into a show or a movie because it had something to do with self-harm or suicide. This was probably because I had my own problems with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. Now, over 10 years later since middle school and with my problems under control, I still find myself interested in these types of shows and movies. The reason why is because I am curious about what pushed them to their limit. I know what had pushed me to mine but I had friends who, unknowingly at the time, pulled me back from the edge.

That is, basically, the whole premise of this show. For those of you who have not looked into this show or the book that it was based on this is the story of a teenage girl who commits suicide. Before the act, she takes the time to record on cassette tapes the 13 reasons why she did. These 13 reasons? The 13 people that she feels had a hand in her decision to commit suicide. The entire show revolves around Hannah Baker dealing with life before she commits suicide and all of the kids, all of her 13 reasons why dealing with the aftermath.

As stated before, I was interested in her reason why. So I joined the bandwagon and watched. The show itself flows very nicely. Netflix's writers were very intelligent on the way that they handled the episodes. Now, I haven't read the book so I don't know if the chapters of the book are set up the same way but for the show, each episode is connected to each tape. The show moves very smoothly and can be watched at whatever speed with no problems when picking it back up.

When I finally finished, I was asked by my roommate (who is not even close to interested in this show) if I would recommend it. Truthfully? No. I don't recommend it.

Now, before you attack me for not recommending it, I have reasons. Maybe not 13 but there are definite reasons.

*SPOILERS WILL BE WRITTEN AFTER THIS POINT!*

I am a 26-year-old female. I have had rumors spread about me (worse than the rumors that were spread about Hannah) that had been one of the main reasons for why I wanted to kill myself at the tender age of 14. I have been picked on, ridiculed, bullied beyond all belief. I have been hurt by people whom I believed were my friends. I have been date raped by someone and not truly told about it until months later. I understand what some of these characters have gone through because I have gone through it myself. Taking my experiences to heart while watching this show made it hit extra hard in some places.

Netflix is smart enough to place the "parental advisory" messages before some of the episodes. These episodes are the ones with rape scenes (and another one which will be part of another reason for why I do not recommend this show). These rape scenes are GRAPHIC. You don't see the actual penetration or anything like that but this is still a scene in a show where you are watching an underage girl being date raped by someone she thought was her friend. To make the first rape scene worse, we are being told what happens to this person by a girl who stood paralyzed in the closet with fear. Now, can I blame her for being so terrified that her anxiety did not allow her to intervene? No. I understand how anxiety can affect someone. What makes this entire situation not okay is that, instead of getting in touch with the authorities or even telling the girl what happened when she is conscious, our main character doesn't tell ANYONE what happened. Instead, she holds this knowledge in until making these tapes.

"Oh, but what can a teenage girl do after the fact?" you may ask. She could do what my friends did for me: tell the person what happened. I was told months later what happened because everyone thought that I had known and that I had been conscious. When it became known that I was blacked out and have no recollection of most of that night, I was informed what was done to me.

"But if the person doesn't want to believe it, why bother?" Whether or not the person who had the atrocity happen to them wants to believe the 'rumor' or not does not matter. What matters is that the person is being told that this happened. They now know, when conscious, that something may or may not have happened to them and they can go from there.

We watch a seemingly happy girl begin to go into a downward spiral. She doesn't know that she was raped, besides what she had heard on these tapes which anyone who had heard them is trying to pass off as a lie. It isn't until the end of the season that the truth fully comes out and you can visibly see her realize what has been making her go off the deep end. Could it have been avoided if she had been told sooner? Maybe. Getting over being date-raped is one of the harder obstacles that someone can face. But could being told sooner have helped her? Yes, yes it could have.

In another episode, we watch as Hannah, herself, is raped. As with the other scene, we do not see anything penetration wise. We do see, however, this larger, one year older guy grab her, turn her around, and rape her. The whole time she is trying to push him away. She tried to get out of the situation but he was still able to take what he wanted.

Is this an important issue for the middle and high school kids who are watching? YES. This is very important. These are the types of things that can happen to anyone. It doesn't matter age, race, gender, sexuality. Rape knows no bounds. Anyone and everyone can be raped.

But for someone like me, someone who needed to remove the headphones I was using and turn away from the screen as these scenes play out, these scenes are harder to stomach. It brings back memories of the night it happened to me. "But I thought you were blacked out when it happened?" That whole night for me was ruined the moment I heard what my ex-boyfriend had done to me. I cannot think of any happy memories from that night because it has been tainted with this black ooze that refuses to be cleaned.

One of the other reasons is because of her suicide scene. The writers for Netflix had been warned by Psychologists that they should not show the actual act of the suicide. They had been advised that this type of scene would trigger someone. They had been advised that showing it would be a bad idea. So, what does Netflix do? It shows her suicide.

Maybe that scene is the whole reason why they changed her suicide from overdosing on pills (book) to slitting her wrists in the bathtub (show). During the last episode, we watch as this 17-year-old girl fills her bathtub, gathers the razor blades that she had stolen from her parents' store, before finally entering the tub herself. It is clear that there is a moment of uncertainty before she takes the blade to her wrists and slices them open. The scene is very graphic and rather disturbing.

Was this scene necessary? No. Did they have to show her actually cutting her wrists open? No. Could they have just talked about the means that she chose somewhere else in the show? Yes. There were plenty of chances that the form of suicide could have been discussed.

For parents who don't want to watch this but your child does: I recommend that you watch it with them. I don't recommend this for you. I recommend this for your kid. This show touches upon so many important topics that your kid, after watching this, will undoubtedly have questions about. Talk to them. Make sure that they know that, no matter what, they can always come to you. Help them understand what they can do if they or a friend ever go through something that happened on the show.

For people like me who are thinking of jumping on the bandwagon: This show is much deeper and grittier than you think. If you could even remotely be triggered by the following, I do not think it is a good idea to watch this:
Bullying
Rumors
Slut Shaming
Self-Harm
Drunk Driving

I will admit that this was a good show. I know who I side with when it comes to the characters and I understand everything that was brought up and that had happened. I believe that this show can be important. But would I recommend it in a way that will make people think that it is suitable for everyone? Nope. Not a chance. This show is not meant for everyone. Many people will be triggered by this show and have to deal with whatever anxiety and depression that this show will inevitably reignite in them. This show is not for everyone.

The Breaking Point

Recently I have found myself under an astronomical amount of stress. Between making sure that all of the bills are paid, that I go to work every day because I cannot afford to miss more than one day a month (if that), and that we as a household are happy, I cannot seem to catch a break. One thing after the other is added to the large pile that has situated itself directly on my shoulders until I cannot physically hold myself up anymore.

The other night the members of my household got to witness what it is like when I have a full-blown anxiety attack. Since our house has been under so much stress, we are all on edge. My roommate was extremely mad when we came home from grabbing our other roommate and proceeded to tell us what had made him so mad. This, of course, sets me off even more than I had already been. This news had the potential to screw over each one of us. This news was enough to make me fear for my well-being more than I had already begun to fear for it before. My home was at stake with this news. I was broken. This had finally pushed me over the edge.

The moment that I had felt physical contact after learning of this, I could feel the precious glass case enclosing my feelings and emotions shatter. I had to tell myself to calm down. The moment that my fiance touched me, I broke completely. I cried. I cried hard. I cried for a while. My fiance very carefully lowered me to the ground when I could no longer hold myself up. I feel like I may have even passed out for just a moment.

Once the crying originally passed, I was still trapped in my mind on the floor in my living room. I didn't want to move. I wanted to make myself as small as I could possibly be. My mind did not allow me to move. Any movement was helped by my fiance. I wanted to crawl away where no one would be able to find me. If no one could find me, no one could hurt me.

This was all made worse when she came home. We were all in a pretty messed up place. It seemed like she understood that already or knew that no one wanted her around at that point in time. People who I have known for well over 10 years were seeing me in a state of vulnerability that I never wanted anyone to see me in. When she came home, I was back to the crying mess that I had been. I was having difficulty trying to catch my breath. I couldn't calm down. It just did not seem possible.

But, of course, like all anxiety attacks, it finally came to an end. But there is something that most people forget about when it comes to anxiety attacks: the aftermath.

When I, personally, have a full blown anxiety attack like I did that night, it seems to take my body and my psyche quite some time to recuperate.

See, I am a bottler. For those of you who are able to process your emotions in a healthy way: this means that I try to hold my negative feelings in for as long as I possibly can. I do not want to burden anyone with how I am feeling, especially when I know that they are going through their own problems. Instead, I just try to push these feelings as far down as I can. I will handle them another time. The only problem is, the only way that time is coming is when the feeling that I am trying to push down causes my bottle to explode. Once it starts, there's no stopping it. I have to cry. I have to hurt. I have to feel.

Add bouts of depression on to it and it makes the healing process take even longer. I am watching my anxiety become worse. It takes me longer to get over the smallest of things. Everything feels like a challenge. But I know that this will pass. It may take a little bit longer than the last severe anxiety attack that I had but I will heal.

So, for those of you battling your demons: I know that you can do it. Just keep taking one step at a time.